INVICTUS.

Goes A Long Way.

2009-11-25T03:53:00.002+11:00

I love hearing smiles over the phone. (:

I miss you.

People, they disappoint you.

2009-10-30T06:00:00.002+11:00

I hold grudges.

And somehow I'm still disgusted by what happened.
I don't understand, and you never bothered trying to help me to.
You never, acknowledged side of things because you were too busy focusing on yourself.

Yes, I understand, you too need to get stuff off your chest.
But sometimes, I wonder if I did the right thing keeping quiet and acting like your worries were more important then mine. Acting like whatever I felt did not matter.

All this time, I still hold a grudge.

And I can't decide if it's a good thing or not.

Worn Out. Running on Panic.

2009-10-20T21:01:00.002+11:00

It has been an awfully long time since I've last been here.

I do not know what to make of it.

All Of Me.

2009-09-12T20:08:00.004+10:00

If people were rain, I was drizzle and you, a hurricane. (:

woot woot!

2009-09-11T19:50:00.001+10:00

Dear Lover,

Happy 5monthsary. (:

I love you. xx

One on Love

2009-09-11T03:03:00.000+10:00

No one ever said love was easy.

Look at those who made it, those who got the person they truly loved. I’m sure all of them have a story. Who ever said that you don’t have to fight for the person you love, fight against the odds, hang on with dear life.

If love was meant to be easy, what’s the point?

I believe that if that love, is something you have to fight for, and something worth fighting for, in the end, after all you’ve gone through, that’s when you see how much it mattered. How much it was meant to be.
How much, love can be.

Love, was never made to be easy.
And this makes it even more beautiful than anything else.

Bleh.

2009-09-10T05:14:00.001+10:00

I really should learn how to prioritize, and well, be motivated - constantly.

I can't keep doing this.

Yes, I remind myself everyday, but why can't I seem to care?

Seriously, I think I need a shrink - hahaha, to help me care wtf.

Only. Always.

2009-09-09T23:51:00.005+10:00

Your words, soothing.

They cover me like a blanket.

There's no need to worry.

No need to wonder.

It's you.

It's not everday

That I find a person quite like you

Perfect in every way

I finally found the nerve to confess that its you - that I want

I don't care if I act like a fool

I would damn near beg for you

Put aside, all my pride

So don't keep me hanging here

Cause this girl is falling stupid for you

Stupid for you

Round. Shaped.

2009-09-09T17:50:00.006+10:00

Maybe I too should puasa, just so I can stop getting rounder. Which drives me to feel bad about myself, and indulge in food just so to drown out the low self esteem, which is probably why I'm getting rounder in the first place. -____-

Vicious Cycle.

Ti Amo.

2009-09-09T13:29:00.003+10:00

And the morning shines much brighter to me

Somehow, maybe this can last forever

If we follow what we feel

Will you love me like I know you will

You and I go deeper

Down below where no one sees it

When you close your eyes

And just believe it

You and I go deeper

Where everything's unspoken

And the world seems so wide open

To me now

Magic.

2009-09-08T20:31:00.002+10:00

Fingers crossed,

My "new leaf" doesn't get blown away.

Maybe.

2009-09-06T01:01:00.006+10:00

You know sometimes there are things that I want to say.
But I don't cause that just ruins everything.

I honestly do not know what's going to happen.

And I honestly do not feel like I care enough to try anymore.

Part of me gave up today.

I'm hoping that that other part's wiser.

/edit.

08/09/2009

Well, I guess I was right in not giving up.

Kudos to wiser part in me.

tuapui !

2009-09-04T02:53:00.002+10:00

It's insane the number of times I've been to the doctors this past, 2 weeks.

I really, am not sick.

It's just a desperate measure so I do not flunk out of uni. wtf.

And well, the doctor in Chinatown beckons, tomorrow morning.

I should get my shit together and just start , start.

Cause I'm not only running out of doctors/clinics to visit but also I'm screwing up my life.

No matter how many uncountable times I've told myself that this is the last time, it never works. I should just jump off a cliff, in all seriousity.

I can't tell my days from my nights anymore.

And well, sleeping 3hrs on average I can say for sure is barely enough sleep.

Sigh.

I'm tired, and I have an essay to start on and finish by tomorrow so I can hand it in immediately after the doctors.

Oh ps: The hole in my mouth isn't making life any easier either -__-

(this is where V-Han butts in and says that I forgot to say I love him wtf)

So boo, I love you! (:

i no hap ahchee ahchong ahcheong i only got HamBaoBao tumwums tuapui HAHHAH :D xx

Morning Sunshine !

2009-08-30T14:54:00.002+10:00

I love you.

A Post of All Sorts.

2009-08-25T01:50:00.002+10:00

There's so many things in life for me to be thankful for.

So the real questions isn't, what I'm truly thankful for, but, have I been doing all I can to show that I'm thankful for them?

Have I been, showing enough appreciation?

Living up to the life and taking hold of every blessing, opportunity, and chance I have been given?

I am trying to make the best of what I've been given.

Be a little smarter, and a little more brave. Take more chances.

And well, most importantly stay focused.

I am trying.

I love how life seems to be sailing these past few months.

And how, even though I don't always feel like I've been doing enough - I always wake up the next morning trying a little bit harder.

I love how, in the mornings, I don't feel so alone anymore.

How, the comfort of all this feels.

How happy suits me way better than any other emotion.

I am struck with such joy knowing that what we have, isn't this pretentious artificial connection.

That we do not have to fight to solve problems.

That we do not have to be perfect all the time.

Such joy. I often doubt I deserve.

I have this feeling of, pride in my heart.

Knowing that this; this is different.

This, works.

Dear Love,

You; mean the world to me.

I love you.

I am so disappointed at how you have acted.

Surprised that it happened at all.

After all I have done for you. I thought you would at least return a favour.

I apologise for thinking differently, for thinking of you as someone reliable, someone who would really do everything in your power to help me.

Not him, but me. This is about me.

I have had enough. Sorry friend. But, that was the last straw.

Of course, this isn't the end of everything.

Just the end of, well, the person I thought you were.

Dear Friend,

I miss you.

I'm sorry we haven't been speaking as much as I would like to.

We'll talk soon I promise, I'll make sure I'm sober this time.

I love you.

flip !

2009-08-20T13:02:00.003+10:00

I have a feeling I'm subconsciously going through a Panic Attack wtf.

Well, it's either that, or I'm slowly losing my mind.

Fail.

2009-08-19T10:53:00.002+10:00

Am supposed to study for my Chinese test , happening in like, 5mins time and I know zilch!

Lol.

Am so frustrated w my Msn, it won't sign into Uniwireless, meaning, I can't use Msn in Uni?!

How lame. -.- Emo.

So ya, besides sitting here, puffing in and out of stressed-ness cause my Msn's flipped up (wtf), my sub-conscious mind is telling to go get my chop-chop on and at least cram some weird looking characters into my head. Just so I don't cry after wtf. -.-

Hmm, okk, I'm going. Bleh!

My Man.

2009-08-18T12:41:00.007+10:00

Cause when words fail, and tears fall.

It's you; who keeps me standing tall.

I love you baby xx

Some Self-Reflective , Destructive Stuff.

2009-07-28T12:29:00.006+10:00

Every once in awhile, I like to stop and think that maybe, just maybe, by some stroke of luck, everything's going to fall into place.
I keep telling myself there is something more to this.
That, one day, everything's going to just work out.
And well, almost everyday I tell myself that it's a lie when they say opportunity knocks just only once, or that I have to step up and take control, or that sometimes, if that bright white light doesn't find you, you have to go looking for it yourself.
Instead, I console myself by compromising.
Thinking that everything is just magically going to, happen wtf.

It's funny how, so much time has passed.
I'm almost 20!
And yet, I find myself a little disappointed with myself.
With what I have achieved so far.

Truth be told, this was not the "future" I had imagined for myself.
I have always thought I would be someone more, contributing to the community, society, the world.
Its like how, everyday I tell myself that tomorrow's going to be better.
Tomorrow, I will do something worth wile.
Tomorrow, I will make a change.
Sigh, this really is so disappointing.

Sometimes, I really do wonder, how much I would have gotten done if I had just get to it.
And maybe then, I wouldn't be so upset with myself.

I'm going to go sit in a corner and make a list now.
Lists always somehow manages to make me feel as though I have a clue what's going on with my life -.- wtf.

Randommm.

2009-07-14T23:57:00.002+10:00

Random thought -
Maybe I should stop being so reliant on my comp (though I won't mind getting a new comp. *ahem ahem*) and start reading again.

You know, I feel as though I'm so constantly on the comp that I'm losing brain cells.
And I think slower. It's like, I've forgotten what it's like to just sit down w some muchies and a warm drink and just read.

Met theboy's parents yesterday. It was a good dinner, though I'm still kind of nervous. Because I still don't know if they like me. Lol. I guess I just gotta give them time, to adapt, warm up to me and hmm, get to know me better before they make up their mind?

Sigh.

Pls.

2009-07-09T00:56:00.002+10:00

Pls. Pls. Pls.

Pls.

A Quiet Night.

2009-07-05T00:58:00.003+10:00

So today marks day 4 of the parents arrival.
And well, I haven't taken any pics yet -.-
I should start soon , eyh. Hmm.

It's hard, spending so little time with V-Han these days.
Since we were inseparable before this.
I think I'm suffering from abandonment/detachment issues.
I know I sound silly considering we live on the same street (2mins away from each other) , and well. We're both in Melb.
Like I said, I have issues, and well. I'm still adapting. Lol

So..
My stomach's been doing this very weird thing.
It hurts, all the time. -.-
So now, in addition to my constant one side head pain (LeoKor says it's migraine, I claim it's cancer -.- wtf), I also have constant bend-over-cannot-stand-straight-tummy aches (I have a hunch it's gastric :S).

As you can tell, I'm like, rambling on about nothing in particular.
I'm hoping that my rambling, would somehow break this Blogger's Block thing I've been having.
So yea. Lol.

My results, out coming Thurs/Fri.
I'm so nervous I can collapse and die.
I really really need divine intervention.
In all seriousity. Sigh.
Scared balls yo. :S

Oh on a less emo note, AndyRoddick!
Finals in Winbledon!
See, told you he'll come back. After my many years of waiting.
:D AndyRoddick's in the Finals.
I hope he crushes that sore loser of a Federer. And well, :D yay!!!
Fingers crossed. Lol

Maybe. Just Maybe.

2009-07-02T23:51:00.003+10:00

Feel as though I've neglected my blog for long enough.
It's like I log in, and want to blog but I have nothing to say?
Blogger's block, maybe?

It's been an okay Winter Break so far.
The parents are here.
We bought our new home today, far far away. Sigh.
But ya, we'll see what we decide to do with it.

Been spending most of my time with them these days.
I haven't been seeing Bee much, as much as I'd like that is.

Ohhwells. We can't have it all, can we?

D-day approaching, am a nervous wreck.
Crossing fingers, toes, and whatever physically possible.

Many exciting things ahead.
Time to whip out camera again. (: Awesome yo!

2monthsary ! (:

2009-06-12T21:03:00.004+10:00

Cause somethings are worth holding on to. (:
And cause, I love you.

I can't belive so quick time passes by, every time I'm with you.
This, feels like forever, in a good way. (:

Happy 2monthsary Boo! xx

Question, marks.

2009-06-10T19:21:00.003+10:00

So much to do, accomplish, so little time.

I know. I've said this before.
This happens all the time, I look back and wish I had done things differently.
Promising myself, and everyone else.
Next time, it will be different.
And by some miracle, I usually manage to (barely) make it through - no doubt with some cuts, and burises.

I'm hoping that this time would be no different (?).

I have learnt my lesson, believe me.
I know what's at stake and I know I have been foolish, selfish.
But please please please.
Don't let me down, please.

Let me get through, and I will make an effort to make sure this doesn't happen again.
I will no longer be stupid, and well, lazy.

Please please please. Please.

------

Heart, a tad bit heavy.

They do not joke when they say - it all falls apart at the same time. When something starts to crumble, no doubt, everything crumbles along.

With all that's happening, I'm trying my best to hold it all together.
But, it doesn't mean it goes away. Sigh.

A big question mark now lingers above our heads.
The weight upon our shoulders, inevitable.

Where do we go from here?

cbf manys.

2009-05-31T21:30:00.002+10:00

Crunch time, am doing shite in everything.

& you know what, no matter how much I've tried,
I'm tired, and fucked - & I can't be fucked.

As much as I've said I won't let this happen.
I think, slowly, I've been crawling back into my shell.

I apologize to the many persons who's calls and dates I've missed.

My life's shit. And, well, I like being in this shell.
I prefer it here.

I'm gonna fucken fail uni and get sent back to Msia to rot for the rest of my life.
So might as well cut off all ties now, don't you think.

No one gets it.
Karma hates me, and by all means, I think I deserve it.

1monthsary.

2009-05-12T15:43:00.005+10:00

You left the sweetest taste in my mouth.

I love, loved, and let love.
And it led me straight to you.

I thank you, 1month.
Though it isn't something spectacularly big,
It still is something.
How quickly it came and went, I wish it's going to be this simple all the time.

Dear -
I may or may not say this often - but you; keep me going.
Every time, every moment I'm with you - I'm superhuman.
I love you. (:

Hunger Sandwitch. & Coke.

2009-05-10T00:37:00.003+10:00

Am in dire need of coffee/anything that contains caffeine for that matter.

I'm supposed to be rolling (/studying) but, I can barely stay awake/stay away from Facebook (/Restaurant City).
Le sigh.

What's wrong with me? Seriously.

I know better. Sigh.

Broken Bird.

2009-05-08T01:01:00.004+10:00

It's been a long day.
And well, I definitely have had better days compared to this.

Tired eyes, a heavy heart and head ; troubled thoughts.
Is this the day when it all comes crashing down?
The fall I have so anxiously tried to prepare myself for; the fall I've worked so hard to try avoid.
The fall, I have so naively tried to trick myself into believing it won't come.

This could be the day, this could be the day.

Why does it seem as though whatever efforts I put into "fixing" everything is all in vain?
It's as though there's nothing more I can do - to make it all better.
Nothing more I can say.
I hate feeling this way. Helpless.
A disappointment.

It doesn't go away, does it?

This feeling, hurts too damn much.
I do not know what is there to do to make it all better. For you, and for me.
I'm emotionally drained. And everything hurts too much.

It hard, trying to please everyone.
When I can barely make myself happy, what more you during this time?
I've tried. Trust me, I have. But there isn't really anything else I can offer.

I've gone round and round in circles.
Trying to figure all this out.
Salvaging whatever I can, your hope in me, your trust in me, your forgiveness.
I've done wrong. I have and I apologize.
I never wanted things to turn out this way.

I know, my part.
And I haven't been doing it so well lately.
I apologize.

It hurts, when you say things like that.
And it hurts when you act this way.
Do you see it? How much it's killing me?

Please.
Please please please.
Please - .

Like I said it's been a long day.
And I definitely have had better.

Game On.

2009-05-03T21:11:00.003+10:00

With much love, I write this.

It's weird how one minute you're supportive and the next , you're jumping to your own conclusions. I do not see how you can assume that I'm not trying, assume that I do not care when all I've been doing at this end of the world is worry and stress.

Yes, without a doubt I do go out and have my fair share of fun. But that does not necessarily mean I'm totally neglecting/losing sight of what matters.

I can tell you, I am trying my very best. And despite what you assume, you haven't got a clue on how big a weight I have on my shoulders. It isn't easy trying to live up to all these expectations, but you, of all people should know me better. You should have not doubted me, and know that I am still the same person. I have not lost focus, and I still know from right and wrong.

It hurts when you come along and say things like that, especially when finally, things are starting to look up for me. Especially when things are finally going well for me.

I have decided that I am going to do all I can to be better, because, I do not need to spoon-feed you another reason or issue to pressure/stress me on. Despite this, why do I feel as though you will still somehow find some fault in me. And well, we all know too well where you're going to point your blame.

Please, as hard as it is, do not place blame on external factors, when everything is my own doing. Whatever I've done wrong, whatever expectations I've failed to live up to, that's all me.
Blame me.

(Dis)placements.

2009-04-27T15:42:00.005+10:00

Sometimes I'd like to think I've come a long way from where I was from.
Yes, I could be better, I could be smarter, I could be more focused.
Or even taller -.- wtf
I could be many other things.
But I don't know. I'm just happy at where I'm at now though I'm not to say perfectly contented. I like to think I still have time to grow, as a person.

When do you ever stop growing, that's the thing.

It's been so long since things have been still. And well, life has been good.
I think I am finally settling down.
Finding my people, and hopefully, my way.

Sure, there's still so much to do. So much to accomplish.
And yes, I'm still working on it.
But this gradual process, is starting to make everything look so much brighter.
It seems as though things are finally going to work out for me this time, and I hope that by saying this I don't jinx it.
Trust me, I'm not only saying this cause I'm no longer emo and all that jazz.

I've been feeling this coming on for a long time now. Despite being emo.
And well, I do foresee a good year ahead. Finally.
I can actually see things working out, and well, I have a big hunch that this is partially cause of people who I can now call "my person(s)".

You know what I think.
I think you can only receive love when you learn how to love.
You know, positive chi attracts positive chi and all that.
And well, I think stepping out of my bubble is one of the best things I have done so far.
I'm glad I've made an effort this year. And I'm glad I'm learning to be bold.

And I'm glad for Bren. (:
In all seriousity, you have no idea how much of a saving grace you've been. I really am thankful you're here. I lobe you many manys forevers.

I really really hope I'm not jinxing this.

I don't want to touch the ground. Not for a long time.

My Best.

2009-04-22T15:12:00.002+10:00

For me its a glance & a smile on your face
The touch of your hands, an honest embrace
For where I lay, it's you I keep
This changing world might fall asleep
With you all I know is I'm coming home, I'm coming home
- Home by Vanessa Carlton -

I have everything, cause I have you.

Learning To Roll.

2009-04-21T22:25:00.002+10:00

I will seriously have to find a way to convince myself that no matter how many times I refresh Facebook, nothing much is gonna change in that 5secs. -.-

Sigh.

Must. Learn. How. To. Roll.

Really. Sigh.

MUST. LEARN. HOW. TO ROLL.

-.-

2009-04-20T15:40:00.004+10:00

Anger. Anger. Anger.

Anger.

I missed my stupid deadline. -.-
I hope my lecturer replies my e-mail soon so I will know how much marks I'll lose if I hand it in 1day late. If it's the same as handing it 2days late then I hand in on Wed. Can do my stupid presentation thing tonight. Oh wait, need to e-mail my tutor - don't know what's expected of me for the presentation.
fmd la I tell you. fmd fmd fmd.

Mumblegrumblemumblegrumblerantrantrantgahgahgah.

Sigh, stress.

Wants to dies. -.- stupidddddd.

Confession of Love.

2009-04-19T18:07:00.004+10:00

Mid morning smiles and your brown eyes,
I look deep into them.
Please, don't let me fall.
Your hands, fit exactly with mine.
Your arms, wrapped around me.
Let's just stay here, away from the world, away from everything.
Safe, and content.
Untouchable.
Please, don't let me fall.
The spark in my eyes; it's you.
I would write you a song. If only there were words to describe this.
My fingers running through your hair.
I'm sorry I can't help but stare. My gaze fixed upon you.
I can't turn away, even when there's nothing to say.
Please, don't let me fall.
Flying, soaring high, you gave me wings.
The bounce in my step, my reason to smile.
My heart in your hands. It aches when you're away.
Late night talks, the air is still when you're with me.
There's nothing I can't do. I'm invincible.
There's no reason to fall.
Tell me, is there a reason for me to fall?

Mid morning smiles and your brown eyes.
Please, don't let me fall.
Please, don't let me fall.

TummyWummy.

2009-04-18T22:45:00.004+10:00

T'was a good day today.
Went out to Port Melb w Teddy and got part of my assignment done.
And well, it was a good day spent.

(to be continued - or not. Cause Bren scold me - I cannot blog cause I panic attack crazy a lot of work and still don't want to go do -.- emo)

Cause In Your Eyes I'd Like To Stay.

2009-04-15T22:33:00.002+10:00

I am so tired, drained out.

I've been sleeping too much this "break" I reckon.
Too much sleep, and too little (actually none) work done.

I can almost see the amount of work I have to get done multiplying by the minute.

Maybe I should start trying to tell myself that this is not a holiday.
Hmm, yes, I'll start on Friday. Sigh.
Friday, Saturday, Sunday - that's 3 days.
3days guys -.- die.

Jor, potong wei. Emo.

I sleepy wei. And it's only 11.20pm.
(Hence the sleeping too much part)

Can't wait for PokerNight/ComingOut @ Jinn's tmw.

Till then, sleepytime/"nerd"time.
Or maybe I should just stay online and stare at Facebook -.-

Someone - shoot me alr. Pls.

Rocket Through My Mind.

2009-04-11T15:33:00.002+10:00

Today;

It starts here, today.
It's a good day.

Good day indeed.

Vulnerable. I Can't believe, I'm Vulnerable. All Over Again.

2009-04-09T21:24:00.003+10:00

I can't figure this out.
This sentence keeps coming to mind, over and over again - You a priority, was I an option?
But it sorta gives out the wrong message doesn't it.
It's not like we had something. Not like we have anything.
But you see, I somewhat feel like I'm just a passing thing to you.
That you could just so easily drop all of this, pick up and leave.

And I know, somehow, I'll end up broken again once this is all over.
I can't stand the way you play hot and cold.
I cant stand the way you can't decide.
You say one thing now, and another the next.
What am I supposed to make of this?
Do you want me? Or do you not?
It's as easy as that. Easy.

I'm afraid. To put my heart out there.
And though I'm trying to salvage whatever's left of my heart.
I can't help but notice. It's already there - out.
I'm vulnerable. And I can already feel the ache.
And as much as I try to deny so, as much as I try to act like I have everything under control, the reality - so much more different.
It's no longer mine but yours.

And, well, if only you knew.
If only you knew.

Don't Want To Forget Come Daylight.

2009-04-08T00:51:00.003+10:00

And no need to worry,
That's wasting time.
And no need to wonder,
What's been on my mind.
It's you.
It's you.
It's you.
- Paperweight by Joshua Radin & Schuyler Fisk -

Yes, I think it's you.

Time To Get On The Roll.

2009-04-06T16:19:00.001+10:00

This shouldn't be happening.

I get so frustrated and disappointed with myself, and I feel so helpless when I can't do anything about it.
It's annoying, really.
I should be trying harder. Working better.
Things were supposed to be different.

I'm supposed to just fall into some sort of routine that works and stay in it.
Instead , I'm doing the total opposite.
And I have nothing else to say in my defence.

I just should really be doing better, trying harder.

Cause Love Is A Marathon.

2009-04-04T23:50:00.003+11:00

Crossroads.

I don't know how to get to the other side.
It seems easy enough - make the jump, cut the cord, take a chance.

Easy enough, and yet, why am I afraid?
What am I afraid of?

Theoretically, it's simple. Really.
Step out and believe, right?
Hope. Have faith. Don't look back.

If only, I could convince myself so.
Gather the courage to put myself out there again.
And just, live.

Have the courage to, well, have things work again.

I want, and yet I don't.
It is you? Or the idea of a "you"?

I don't know what to make of this really.
I try ignoring it. And I still am - trying & ignoring.

How long can I keep this up?
How long till I fall again? Fall in, or down - I don't know.
All I know is that I'll fall soon enough, then, who'll be here? To pull me through?

Fear; of losing you.
Fear; of having you. I think.

I think that's what I'm afraid of.
It can only be one or the either.
Or maybe, both.

Uncertain.
Maybe I'll know, one day.
And then, I will know exactly what's holding me back.

Me.
Right now, I think I'm what's holding me back.
I can be almost certain - It's ; Me.

LaDiDa.

2009-04-03T16:54:00.004+11:00

Red Party!

Awesome night.
We contributed to raise funds for AIDS, and had a blast!
Pics, up on Facebook.

Eh guys, I love you la. (:

The Lesson.

2009-04-01T04:10:00.003+11:00

It's time, to take down old pictures.

Time to just face reality , and start living.
It does seem as though I have to start all over again, and work my way up.

But, well, I am determined I will get there.
And I am believing I will be alright.
My life, has been on hold for too long a time.
And maybe this time, things will work out differently.

Maybe I will learn how to live, and let live.
Maybe I will learn how to stop grieving.
Stop looking back.

This time, I will learn how to take things as they come.
And even when I stumble, I'm going to believe I'm strong enough to pick myself up.
I'm going to stop over-analysing, and just, let it all be.

I have a feeling that yes, as cliched as this may sound, I have grown - stronger.
I never thought I'd get here, and now that I am (on my way), I still surprise myself on how far I have come.
But then again, I can't take credit for all this.
I am incredibly lucky to have people by my side to help me through this.
Who stuck by me, despite my weaknesses, my vulnerability.
People who well, believed in me, and for me when I didn't have the strength to.

I think, this road of recovery and self-discovery was exactly what I needed.
To remind myself, that well, humans (or rather I) have a higher threshold of pain than we/I initially thought we/I had.
And to remind myself that truly, this was all worth it.

Yes, every moment of it, it was all worth it.

A Shot Of Friendly Please. (?)

2009-03-30T04:25:00.007+11:00

I have a feeling my Urban History essay's going to be absolute shite.

It's due tomorrow, @ 5pm.
It is now 4.25 in the am.
And I have not started.
And you know what, I still don't feel the adrenalin/inspiration to get it done.

I'm just going to go to bed, wake up tomorrow.
And well, hahah, get it done then.

Hence, it's going to be absolute shite. Ohhwells.

------

Shite, I need a damn good massage right about now.
Seriously.

And, well, I feel like crap.
Shouldn't have had choc, there goes my 1kg -.-

Also, I should really get someone to wake me up tomorrow.
So I don't oversleep/miss my dateline. Lol.

Okay, this week, I'm so gonna be gungho and un-slack.
Need to be on a roll (in Bren's expression).
And need to well, keep up. Lol.

Okay, sleep. Yes, I need some. (:

/Edit.

Just reread what I wrote, and dude, I sound like I'm high on something wei.
My brain/thoughts all jumbled up.
It's like I was jumping from one topic to another.
So tiring to keep up with myself. Lol. (I think I've stopped making sense)

Okay, sleep, bye.

Morning Afters.

2009-03-28T12:48:00.003+11:00

I love how morning-afters make me look/feel like a druggie. Lol.

And I love how I'm 2kgs away from my target.

Oh, and I love how I've found my slut calling - I'm a candle slut. Lol.

Awesomeeeee.

Learning To Breathe.

2009-03-28T11:36:00.004+11:00

It's starting to sink in;

How hopeless this seems.
Well, I guess I got the "confirmation" I needed.
I get why you don't call anymore.
And I get why, this has all been in vain.

I think, it's about time.
And well, like I said - it's sinking in.
And I'm getting better. At least I'd like to believe so.

So funny how, well, I find myself missing, thinking of you less and less as each day passes.
I find myself, learning to stand again, pick myself up from where I left off.
Find; me.

Were you worth it?
Sometimes, yes, and sometimes no.

I think, though what we had was significant, good;
I'm not afraid to believe that I will get there again.
Not afraid to try get there again.

Without you.

You, do not get the privilege of defining who I am/who I will be.

Well, I'm not going to be afraid anymore.
I'm not going to hold on anymore.

You have already left, and you know what?
I'm leaving too.

This has all been in vain, but I don't regret it.
I did all I could, and I'm glad I did.
There isn't anymore "what ifs" I can ask myself.
And yes, soon, I will look back at all this and laugh.
I will look back and have no regrets.

Unicorm Sounds, & Zebra Puppets.

2009-03-26T00:03:00.005+11:00

25/3/2009.

Happy Cherish Day! (:

I love my friends la I tell you.
They are almost as awesome as I am, seriously.

And, I, so easily conned. Lol.
Though they kinda didn't get the reaction they were hoping for when I walked through the door. Since I was like all "but today's not my birthday" lol.
Cause right, apparently, according to Thom, we were just going to "hang" @ Fong's - me, Melly-poo, Thom & Fong.
So I didn't bother to look glam la -.- lol.
Suddenly, I was being flooded with presents and love.

But seriously man, guys, you all ah - Melly-poo, Thom, Fong, Akil, Jan & Shaw. So made my day. I loves yous manys manys.

It's like I still have all this adrenalin rushing in me, and I don't know where to like, direct it to. Lol. Adrenalin, is so awesome I tell you.

I feel so loved. And, well, yes, your plan in cheering me up succeeded.
(: xo's

Pics, once I get them from Melly-poo. (:

Missed.

2009-03-24T18:49:00.004+11:00

Today, I was reminded on how fleeting life is.
How, easily life can be taken away from us.

I stumbled upon your Facebook profile.
And as I was reading through your wall, I felt, this heaviness in my heart.

You were so young. Too young.
So loved.
Your wall, filled with your friends, and loved ones constantly writing to you.
Telling you how much you are missed. And how much you are loved.

What's it like there?
Can you hear them? See them?

Jealous. I wish that when I'm gone; I, too have people who would still care so much about me. Despite the distance, despite the duration since I left.
I wish that, when the time comes, I have people who love me, as much as yours do you.

Life; it's fleeting.

I'm Sticking With You.

2009-03-21T19:59:00.004+11:00

Now I don't believe in anything anymore.
Cause love is permanent, not temporary.
It's driven straight into our chest,
And buried much too deep to just pull out like weeds in a garden.
It's permanent,
Well I'm sorry.

So lately I've been going crazy,
Trying to get you off my mind.
Cause thoughts of you hang just like pictures,
And gather dust over the time.

We hung them up just like real lovers,
And drove our nails into the wall.
Cause we thought they'd be there forever,
We weren't permanent at all.

And it's getting much too hard to see it now.
Cause love is permanent, not temporary.
And it's driven straight into our chest,
And buried much too deep to just pull out like weeds in a garden.
It's permanent,
Well I'm sorry.
- Permanent by Colbie Caillat & Jason Reeves -

-----

This all seems too convenient for now.
We, well we, hang on to each other cause we have just lost another.
And, well, it's all too convenient.

I can't help but wonder, what happens then?
After all this when this is all over and done with.
Will we remain the same?
Or will the striking resemblance, and distance change it all.
Will you & I be more, or even less?

But well now, it's convenient.
And it helps.
Seriously it does.
You, helped me learn how to stand again.
And well, I hope this continues.
At least for now, I hope it does.

The Rose.

2009-03-19T21:26:00.005+11:00

I think right now, what I really need is nights like last.

Where, all I have is a bottle, MTV playing in the background, just the right volume of voices, and company.
Company - yea. That's tricky huh.
I need the right company.
Company like, Bren. Like, Ian. Like, vhan.
Cause, well, they don't expect too much from me. And they, well, they allow me to just be me.

But that's besides the point.
Why was last night awesome?
Well, for 1. I was with a table full of strangers - besides Ian of course.
And well, 2. All I had to do was have my bottle and listen to the conversation. I didn't have to say anything (or much). I just sat there with these strangers and laughed along with their conversation. Because, well, they were telling funny stories man.
And, 3. Because of unknown company, I didn't/couldn't emo. Like I didn't have the chance to sit there and wallow in my sufferings. (which I know I would have done if it was just Ian and I)

So ya, luckily we bumped into Ian's friends, cause if not, Hello Mr.PuffyEyes today.
And well, I wouldn't have had a good time last night.

It's been some time since, I've just been out, and I realised I actually had a good time.

-------

And now, well I'm emo.

Permanent, Not Temporary.

2009-03-18T20:59:00.004+11:00

Today,
It's no different.
Everything's the same, stagnant.
And well, there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm stuck.

-----

The end is such a scary place to start
Everything is torn apart
And I don't know where to go from here
In the end, there's no reason to pretend
I know you won't be back again
I gotta find a way from here

I don't know where I'll fall down
But I'm sure to hit the ground

Cause it's not over till it's over
Every ending's a new beginning
One more chance to get it right
One more chance to get it wrong

Its not over till it's over
Sometimes nowhere leads to somewhere
And it all starts again
It all starts again in the end

And it's such a scary place to be
Everything is in between
And I don't know where to go from here
In the end I see it's all up to me
To figure out where I should be
I'm gonna find a way from here

I don't know where I'll fall down
But I'm sure to hit the ground

Cause it's not over till it's over
Every ending's a new beginning
One more chance to get it right
One more chance to get it wrong

Its not over till it's over
Sometimes nowhere leads to somewhere
And it all starts again
It all starts again in the end

Cause it's not over till it's over
Every ending's a new beginning
One more chance to get it right
One more chance to get it wrong

Its not over till it's over
Sometimes nowhere leads to somewhere
And it all starts again
It all starts again in the end, in the end

And it all starts again
And it all starts again
And it all starts again
It all starts again, in the end

But it's such a scary place to be
Everything is in between
Don't know where to go from here
- The End by Jason Reeves -

JasonReeves, marry me.

Cigarettes & Heartbreaks.

2009-03-17T15:20:00.001+11:00

You; constantly on my mind - it's exhausting.

I'm tired of going to bed sad, dreaming of you - yes, every night, you are all I dream off.
I'm tired of waking up to have reality slap me in the face.

Just plain tired.

Of, watching you walk away.

Watching you let go.

Tired of,
Watching you.

1am; Rain & Franklin St.

2009-03-17T01:43:00.003+11:00

I want you to want me.
- Letters to Cleo

Living, Leaving. It's All The Same.

2009-03-16T15:23:00.007+11:00

This, is harder to come to terms with.

I do know that I am slowly losing grip as I go along.
But I don't know how long more till I get there.

I have no choice but to just, deal.

To accept things the way there are, and to completely convince myself that there really is nothing much/more I can do.
I guess it's like you said - Love; it's all about choices and timing.

And despite the permanency of my feelings, our time has passed.
And it's because of that one wrong choice I made.
My one big mistake. It has brought us here.

There's just no way on getting back.

As much I can wish and hope and dream, you really aren't going to come back.

Yes, what you said, it's finally digesting.
And I'm finally going to try come to terms with it.

"If I love someone, I shouldn't let him go, especially when he still loves me, cause once he's over it, there's nothing I can do"

See, I'm accepting , digesting , hurting.

And, you won't come back to me.

But, why not?
I know better now.

Trust me, I do.

Once Again, You.

2009-03-16T11:05:00.004+11:00

I don't mean to disappoint any of you.
But I think, this is who I'm becoming.
This is who I've chosen to become.

And I just need to direct my hurt somewhere else.

I'm tired of talking and ranting/venting.
And now, I think, I just need to be quiet.

No one gets that.
Probably except for J and Bren.
Cause I guess, we get how, silence works.
Sometimes, we don't need words.
We just need company.

J, I wish you were here.
I miss you.

I don't think anyone takes me seriously anymore.
And, so I'll try to be as pleasant as I can.
I've decided, I won't rant about it anymore, as much as I want to, as much as I need to.
Because, well, no one takes me seriously anymore.

And so, I bottle it all up, and save it for late nights with Bren.
Cause well, she lets me deal with this the way I want to.
And cause, she doesn't judge.

Wreck.

2009-03-15T13:27:00.002+11:00

Love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love,
I'm just falling to pieces.
- Anna Nalick -

If this is giving up, then I'm giving up,
On love.

Fag.

2009-03-14T22:29:00.004+11:00

It was only hours ago when I felt okay.
When I felt like, all's right with the world.
That everything's gonna work out.
That I will eventually get through this.

Heck, I even had the whole "I can do this" conversation with J.

It's only hours ago when I didn't feel this ache.

I spoke too soon, maybe.
Cause, well, here I am again.

Like I said, it comes in waves.
I have my moments.
Was that really a moment? Or was it just denial?
It's the same heaviness on my chest, the same pain in my heart.

And now, I'm somewhere in between.
A "15".

I don't know, how am I supposed to get through this.
I seriously don't know.

I just want to be, numb.

Yes, numb.
I think that's what I really need.

Weak.

2009-03-14T13:02:00.003+11:00

You see, it comes in waves.

And, well, it's harder to ride it out than it seems.
It's funny cause I keep saying the same thing.
And I keep going round in circles.
One minute, I want this.
And the next, I just want to give up.

So clearly, I don't know what I really want.

But you, see, you, knew.
Maybe that's what's getting to me.
You knew how to get out of this. While I'm stuck.
I don't know how to heal, or let go, or even find someone else.

It hurts imagining you happy, without me.
Hurts imagining you happy, in someone else's arms.

I know, one day, I will eventually get there.
But right now, it just seems almost impossible.
Every time I make "progress", I get caught in it again.
And I'm back at square one.
Every time I try to let go, something or rather, you, hold me back.

I wish there were an easier way to do this.
I wish, I could just fast forward and just get past all this.

I wish, you would just, change your mind.

You're Heaven.

2009-03-14T00:51:00.002+11:00

I want to give up, on everything.

But I don't know how.

And it takes too much courage.
Courage that clearly, I do not have.

Home, Is Where You Are.

2009-03-13T00:56:00.002+11:00

I have so much to do, and yet, all I think about is you.

Too many datelines, and errands.
But, I seem to be able to do is sit here, and have my thoughts consumed by you.
It's either that or I'll go out (rather than sit here) and try take my mind of you, which never works, cause everything, abso-freaking-lutely everything, reminds me of you.

Knowing your thoughts aren't about me, should affect me in a way.
Maybe it does, but I choose to ignore it.
Cause, well, in my mind, I'm hoping you still do, think of me.
And everything still reminds you of me.

Regardless, awake or not, you are a constant in my head.
I dream of you, day-dream of you.

My heart aches all the time.
And, I cry, all the time.

But crying, doesn't have an effect.
I cry and I feel worse, but it's all I can do.
It's like how, I'm walking straight into a blank wall.
And I can't help it.

I'm like a car crash about to happen.

你是我的心跳

2009-03-12T23:47:00.005+11:00

等着哪一天你也想起
那悬在记忆中的美好

每一次你说话你带走我的心跳

Baby, 你就是我的唯一

Everything, Reminds Me.

2009-03-11T23:47:00.003+11:00

Oh yes, it still hurts.

And I'm still missing you.

You.

Stabbing Motions.

2009-03-11T12:57:00.003+11:00

My heart has somewhat gotten into a state of constant aching.
And it's as though I can't breathe.
Every breath I take in, hurts.

I'm unraveling at the seams.
And it's as though I'm walking hoping, wishing that someone/something will just kill me so I stop living in this torture.

You see, it's different now.
Despite all hopelessness, I still feel like I have a reason to hang on.
Stupid as it may sound, inside, I'm still waiting for you to change your mind.

And as clear as it is, you probably won't.

You know what sucks the most?
I know all this, and yet, here I am.

Here I fucking am.
And where are you?

I wish I could turn this into something else - hate, anger, betrayal.
But I just hurt too much.
And I love you too much to hate you.

I have no more fight in me.
This, is me, giving up. Letting be.
Dying out.

This is me, broken.

You.

2009-03-11T02:20:00.003+11:00

Cause I can't find an outlet, and an inlet.

There's really no words I can use to describe the degree of brokenness I feel right now.
No words, to describe this.

All everyone says is to move on, let go.
But, that's the hardest part, and I'm not exactly the strongest person.
I can't bring myself to just drop it all and move along.
To me, we meant so much more than this.
We meant so much more.

The tears I've cried, will not bring you back to me.
Nothing, will bring you back to me.
But then , why do I still cry?
Why do I still try?

It's been 8 months.
8 fucking months.

And I'm as broken as ever.

Everyone's keen on offering me ironies like "it will only get better/all you need is time".
If that's what I need, don't you think 8 months is more than enough??
Why do I still feel this?

I take back, all I said, all I did.
And I'm sorry that I'm too late, that nothing I do will ever bring you back.
I'm sorry. For breaking you first.
And now, it's my turn. And I admit, I deserve it.

But, you were supposed to come back to me.

New & Improved.

2009-03-10T22:34:00.004+11:00

So as promised,

Lemons & Lemonades.

2009-03-10T14:20:00.004+11:00

My body's all achy, and I'm having shortness of breaths. (sentence structure seems abit weird, doesn't it)

Oh, and my body functions/responses seemed to have died on me. Like, it's so slow, I feel like, an old lady.

This probably suggests that 2 nights in a row on "cloud nine" isn't such a good idea after all.

Nontheless, it was so totally called for. I needed it. Seriously.
But come to think of it, I don't think I "leaked" enough last night. I was too tired to continue and all I wanted to do was pass out and die.

Oh wait, I think I'm hyperventilating.
Ohhwells.

I keep telling myself that tonight's my last night out.
And I'm really going to get on with uni work cause I'm gungho. It's only the start of 2nd week and yet, I'm already behind. I didn't know that was possible. Sigh.

Just came back from my haircut with Mel.
The place uber chic. And I uber love it there.
Seriously that place, works wonders man. I feel so beautiful there.
And, I love the new hair.

Apparently, it's my "coming out"/unreveling of the new me.
Hopefully.

Will post up new hair soon!
Must. camwhore. first.

Lol, that's probably my cue to go home, and camwhore and come out again for class later. Lol.

Decisions decisions.

2009-03-10T03:50:00.001+11:00

It's not like you care enough to care.

Lack of Face!

2009-03-09T15:28:00.003+11:00

Late nights has somewhat turned against me - I know right, since when late nights aren't my thing. But seriously, 2 late nights in a row (1 consisted of me being uberly cuckoo/in my happy place) has resulted in a very zombie-like Cherish.

I'm so serious, I not only look like a drug addict (except for the whole so-skinny-going-to-evaporate thing going on, but still, way cool!) but, also feel like one.
Feeling like one, probably not so fun. I went to my Urban History lecture getting more and more annoyed with my lecturer by the minute, just because he mumbles and reads off his paper/notes. And not forgetting, his falling short in making the subject a little more interesting. Oh, and yes, I learnt absolutely nothing, only because we covered today's topic last year =.=
How to remain gungho with this kind of nonsense, you tell me.

Let's hope my 2hours of Property Market Analysis turns out better.
And I probably should/need to stop feeling so, drug-like right about now.
Only because we'll be learning Financial Maths (!) in today's lecture. I need all the brain I can get to try get out of it, in, erm, total understandment. Yes, brain, don't fail on me now.

This post, totally pointless.
Am blogging only because I have a stinking hour break, and nothing whatsoever to do online.
Except e-mail Ri, which I won't do just yet (sorry Ri) cause of my current state of mind - lack of brain.

Last night, I said this to Bren "I wear make up because of my lack of face". And I find it really funny that my brain actually do work in making very-interesting remarks like this. And I'm surprised that I could come up with something like this. My up there, might not be that empty after all. Lol.
Hahahahaha! I crack myself up sometimes. Just because, I think I'm funny. =.=

Druggie. (:

2009-03-09T11:53:00.002+11:00

i think, i really really like how leftover make up makes me look like a drug addict. (:

awesome!

Double. Black.

2009-03-09T10:02:00.002+11:00

Had a well spent 2nights out with Bren @ Lincoln Park. Lol.

It's funny how my 2years being away , and the less frequent talks didn't matter much. It's as though nothing and everything has changed - we still click the same, and yet, we've grown.

Sigh, my thoughts all mumble jumbled.
Thank goodness, no splitting headache this morn. Stayed in bed for about 2mins before actually standing up, was afraid I'd collapse or something if I stood up too fast. Went to bed spinny see. (:

Anyways, it's early in the morn (yay! *pats head for waking up early*), I should prepare lunch and study a little.
Moomba w Mel tonight!

Goodbye Doesn't Always Last Forever.

2009-03-07T21:45:00.004+11:00

I waved goodbye and almost cried.

The fact that I'll be seeing you in about 3months time, does make it a little bit easier.

I miss you already Mummy.

Hearts Will Hold.

2009-03-07T18:20:00.006+11:00

I had a good talk with Thom last night over Msn. And, well, let's say he tried to give me a little bit of perspective on my situation.
Safe to say, this is when his "cheong hei-ness" comes in handy. Cause wahlao, he was super patient with me la. Though I was very unreasonable/difficult. Lol.
See Thom, I so nice I give you credit. But really, thanks. (:

And Ri, I've received your e-mail. Will reply soon.

One thing I've learnt:
It's times like these when, you know, you sorta find out who are the people you can depend on. Especially when you need someone to "talk you down" - lol, I got this from The Script, go listen to the song, (:
My friends (yes Mel, this includes you cause you're awesome like that *grins*) are, well, numbered but I can say, they're the top of the bunch - if you know what I mean. Lol. I hope you do cause I barely understand myself.

I better write/type this down before I forget to mention.
Thom! This is a non-emo post.
So ya, I'm working on it! (I can imagine your face now la, like a proud Mummy. Lol)

Anyways, back to what I was saying.
What was I saying? *scrolls up*
Oh yes, good talk over Msn with Thom with perspective and whatnot. And Ri playing a major role in, erm, my current state of mind.
(Ri, I've listened to Details of Fabric before, and yet, why didn't I realize it could be so suitable for my situation till you mentioned it? Like you know how I could use it as my inspirational/motivational "coming back" song thingofmajig. You get the drift)

I'm not saying I've done a whole 180degrees turn of change in mood/status.
What I'm saying is that well, I won't be voicing out that much, I'd just be silent in my sufferings and, start over.

Yes, step by step, I'll work my way up again. And I'll, hopefully, be on top of your list again.

Forever We'll Be, You & Me.

2009-03-07T00:50:00.006+11:00

My only weakness is you.
Only reason is you.

I'll go to the ends of the Earth for you.
No, there's nothing I wouldn't do.
To make you feel my love.

it's what you do to me.

2009-03-06T23:54:00.001+11:00

If only you'd give me a chance.

To hear me out.
To , try again.

These Dreams, I've Had Them Before.

2009-03-06T16:41:00.003+11:00

"Oftentimes we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to. Though that doesn't mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say I love you.
A failing love is like desperately hanging on to something precious; not wanting to give up, but your hands feel the pain. And, when you finally let go, you're free from any pain, but your hands are empty.
A heart breaking isn't always as loud as a bomb exploding. Sometimes it can be as quiet as a feather falling. And the most painful thing is, no one really hears it, except you."
-Author Unknown-

I've had this quote saved up in my computer for a long time now. And normally I'd read it, and say how true, but I couldn't really put myself in that scenario. Considering, well, my heart wasn't broken when I stumbled upon it. But now, as I read it again, I find myself on familiar grounds. It's amazing how it relates to me. And how, I find myself stuck in paragraph two. Literally.

My hands are empty. And they do feel the pain, but I, have not yet let go.
I have not let go, and yet, I'm feeling all this. Pain and emptiness.

Like I said, I regret what I did.
I wished I had never gotten past paragraph one.
I wish I had never said goodbye. Cause I didn't want to, and cause it wasn't the way to prove to you how much I loved you.
Cause, then, you'd still be here.

Broken.

2009-03-05T17:21:00.004+11:00

When you drop a glass or a plate to the ground it makes a loud crashing sound. When a window shatters, a table leg breaks, or a picture falls of the wall, it makes a noise. But as for your heart, when that breaks, it's completely silent. You would think as it's so important it would make the loudest noise in the whole world or even have some sort of ceremonious sound like the gong of a cymbal or the ringing of a bell. But it's silent and you almost wish there was a noise to distract you from the pain

If there is a noise, it's internal. It screams and no one can hear it but you. It screams so loudly your ears ring and your head aches. It thrashes around in your chest like a great white caught in the sea; it wars like a mother bear whose cub has been taken. That's what it looks like and that's what it sounds like, a thrashing, panicking, trapped, great big beast, roaring like a prisoner to its own emotions. But that's the thing about love; no one is untouchable. It's as wild as that, as raw as an open flesh wound exposed to salty sea water. But when it actually breaks, it's silent, you're just screaming on the inside and no one can hear it.

-She’s Come Undone by Wally Lamb-

I'm Sorry I Just Can't Turn Off How I Feel.

2009-03-04T21:04:00.003+11:00

I can't help but wonder if what we had, was significant enough to you, to me?
Significant enough to give it another go.
Or, significant enough to just be left alone.

Even if things work out to how I wish they would, will it ever really be the same?
Or will we just ruin it all.

You see, I'm torn.
I do not know, I can't tell between, what should be and what could have been.

I'm bitter, regretful, and angry.
At who or what in particular, I'm not that sure.
I do not know who I'm more bitter and angry at.
You, this situation, or me.

One thing I do know, you see, I never stopped crying for you.
For us.
And that's probably the one thing you do not know.

I've tried to say everything I want to.
But, when is everything ever enough?
There's still so much more to be said.
Maybe I've said too much in the first place.
It's just that, I have so much in me to let out.
So much in me, I need to explain. To make sure you are aware of.
To just, tell.

But in attempts to make you listen, I've caused you to shut off.
In attempts to "fix" it, I've made things worse.

Maybe you know, what I want to say/how I feel.
And you're ignoring all of it, just for convenience sake or maybe you simply don't care anymore.
I don't blame you. I really don't.

I'm just bitter. About everything else.

Cigarettes & Regrets.

2009-03-03T20:39:00.001+11:00

Am I imagining this?
Or is this for real.

I'm sorry, but I can't tell the difference anymore.

Do you, or do you not?

This is getting so tiresome. And I'm fading away.

ColourRevelations.

2009-03-03T14:18:00.003+11:00

So I did this thing on the net.
And apparently it can tell my personality , what I'm feeling currently and all that jazz via colours.

My results:

Name: Cherish
Date: 3/2/2009
Colorgenics Number: 34765102

Utmost in your mind is success. You are constantly seeking stimulation and a life full of experience. You are trying to 'grow' and above all you need to develop freely and to shake off the shackles of self-doubt. You are an enthusiastic individual, full of life with the desire to live intensely. You like contact with others and are enthusiastic by nature. You are receptive to anything new, modern or intriguing. Your interests are many and you are likely to expand your fields of activities. You are optimistic about the future and you deserve every success because deep down you are a 'winner'.

You haven't been feeling that great lately. Both physically and mentally you are exhausted. To your best friends, those who know you and love you, it shows. Your self esteem has been reduced almost to a minimum and in order to recover - and recover you will - it is necessary that you get away from it all, even if it be only for a few days.

You feel very lonely and frustrated at this time but your shyness and modesty precludes you from establishing any deep form of relationship. You feel rather isolated and alone. You are egocentric and you believe that you are always right - well maybe you are - but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

Your willpower and stamina are in danger of being overwhelmed by excessive stress. Your resilience and tenacity have become weakened. You are feeling overtaxed, worn out and getting nowhere: but you continue to stand your ground. You feel that this unfavourable situation is an encumbrance which you could well do without and you find yourself unable to make the necessary decisions at this particular moment in time to change anything.

The tensions that you are trying to cope with are a result of conditions which are really beyond your control. As a consequence of this almost impossible situation and not being able to get your own way, you are subjected to frustration and almost ungovernable anger. You are trying to remedy the situation but the stress that you are experiencing is making the situation even worse. You feel so inadequate that you are not quite sure which way to turn. A good suggestion would to be to try to relieve the stress and anxiety by participating in some very active physical activity which will relieve your tension.

Well, some parts do relate.
But seriously, I'd like to think I'm deeper than 5 paragraphs.

Try it.

819257.

2009-03-02T22:39:00.002+11:00

I get tired from all this missing.

But I don't stop.
Hoping you're missing too.

Won't you call me?
Won't you, love me?

Please.

Who.

2009-03-02T21:32:00.001+11:00

I'm desperate.

Desperate.

Desperate.

Desperate.

No End.

2009-03-01T23:22:00.004+11:00

I never knew there was no end to how many times you can break my heart.

I never knew, I was so weak when it comes to you.

I think I saw your silhouette tonight.
Then it disappears, away from sight.
My eyes dart across the street, into the building.
Trying to catch another glimpse.

You; I've placed on a pedestal.
Despite, everything.

I do not know why I keep taking your hurtful words.
Actions, thoughts.
Why I keep trying.

It is almost sadistic.
What you do to me.
Though you probably do not realise it.
But what you do to me.
It's sadistic.

And yet, I seem to always come back for more.

I want to write you a letter, an e-mail, send you an IM.
But, I don't.
Knowing it won't change a thing.
You will continue being you.
And I, well, I'll continue feeling this.

Every time this happens, I tell myself not to care anymore.
Not to try anymore.
The more I try, the worse it gets.
But you know what, this has become an addiction.
You have become an addiction.
Any shape or form of you, I'll try to keep.

Even the you, you are now.
I'll try to keep.

PostSecret.

2009-03-01T22:31:00.000+11:00

I'm starting to develop a fear of, dialing your number.

Too Far Gone.

2009-02-28T17:25:00.011+11:00

Trying has never been so hard.

I do not know black from white anymore.

And in my many attempts to drown my thoughts of you, I can slowly feel myself slipping away.
You don't understand.
Really. You don't get it.
This time it's different.

This time, I don't think I'll ever come back.

I'm sick and tired of all this white.
And all I want to do is for once, let myself go.
Be free, or whatever you call it.

Let go. And just drown in this.
I don't want to fight it anymore.
I don't want to do "it can only get easier"/"I'm okay"/"no there's nothing wrong".

Everything's wrong.

And seriously, for once, I want to just completely not care anymore.

I want to let the world know that I'm falling apart, that I'm a bigger mess than I initially was, that you did this to me, that I did this to me.
I do not want pity, all I want is for everyone to leave me alone.
And allow me to, drown.
Allow me to for once, be broken and not expect me to put up a brave front.
I want everyone, to rid themselves of who they thought I used to be; but really who I am now, who I'm becoming - Broken, and scared; and completely alone.
A complete Mess.

More than anything, I want to walk away from this path I'm on.
And, go the direct opposite.

I want to be cold, and hard.
I want to run, and not look back.
I want to reach a point where everything's just plain black.
And I don't feel this anymore.

I want to be someone other than me.

Is this my cry for help/intervention?
I don't know.
I don't know anything these days.

Lately, all I know is that I want to take myself down this path of self-destruction.
For what purpose, I don't know.
Really, I do not know what's more appealing, the thought of getting your attention, or the numbness I will eventually feel.

Like I said, I don't think I will ever come back.

Come Around, Again.

2009-02-28T01:11:00.003+11:00

I'm certain that we were made for one particular moment.

And I've missed mine.

Life; More Than A Ride.

2009-02-27T23:49:00.004+11:00

I can barely verbalise what exactly do I need right now.
I know what I think I need, but how can I be sure that what I think I need is really what I need when half of the time, I don't know what I need.

My mind has somehow tricked me into thinking that there's no way out, no way of letting go.
My mind is somehow still holding onto the idea of you, here with me.
Holding to whatever's left and whatever that has left.

I was reading a line in a book, and it went something like how you have got to realize that you need to get off the merry-go-round in order for change/to move forward. Well the problem with me is that, deep inside, I don't want to get off this ride. In mere hopes that you will someday decide to get on.

Truly, some days are better than others. Some days I almost convince myself that I've gone one round too many. And on others, the only thing I wish for was for you to take the horse right next to mine.

I would think I'm almost half mad by now; the way my mind works in circles (yes, just like that merry-go-round).
But if half mad is what it takes to keep whatever memory I have of you alive, then, it's what I will have to learn to deal with.

What is this thing I'm inflicting towards myself.
I'm probably causing myself more pain than you are. I have come to terms that this is all happening because I triggered it in the first place.
You see, things have not changed.
I caused this, 6months ago. And I'm causing it again now.

And, I don't know how to stop.

Love Is Not A Victory March.

2009-02-27T15:41:00.005+11:00

I wouldn't say this place is unfamiliar.
I've been here one too many times.

It's almost ironic now that I think about it.
No matter how much I try to run from it, it never fails to catch up.
I find myself, on such familiar grounds that it's not even close to surprising that I'm once again back in this cycle.
Cycle of what, I'm not too sure.

I try to convince myself what I need is change.
Good or bad, any type of change will do.
Pick up a bad habit, get a new piercing, chop off my hair, turn anorexic.
Trust me, I've been here before.

All I'm desperate for is a distraction.
Something else to focus on, something other than this.

We Don't Need A Reason.

2009-02-21T23:34:00.001+11:00

My thoughts.

I wish it weren't mine.
They consist too much of you.

Wish You Were.

2009-02-20T22:30:00.001+11:00

"In my dream, I was drowning my sorrows,
But my sorrows, they learn to swim"
- Bono

-

2009-02-20T00:15:00.000+11:00

I really am, 6months too late.

I have no words.

seriously.

2009-02-17T19:32:00.003+11:00

My phone's spoilt, bugger.
I can't hear the other person on the phone, which sucks cause I can't call anyone. And I have about RM70 to finish by tonight.

Plane leaves at 1250am tonight.
Can't wait to get to Melb. Finally. (:

Sigh, J, I'm so gonna miss you. :(

You Can't Break A Broken Heart.

2009-02-16T19:43:00.004+11:00

I'm sorry that I don't mean as much to you as you do to me.

Change.

2009-02-16T13:18:00.007+11:00

I'm feeling a need for a drastic change, okay maybe not drastic drastic.
But some change is good.

Chopping off my hair, am contemplating.
Or should I just trim and keep my long hair, safer choice.

Possible styles?

I'm loving Carrie Underwood's bangs. I might get that.

But, the length. Sigh.
Maybe I'll just keep my long hair, just trim it?

Or I could just chop the whole thing off.
Gah.

Where are people when I need 2nd/3rd opinions?!

/Edit.

So, I can't get my hair chopped off/trimmed anymore cause, I took too long to decide on what I wanted to do with it. And I don't have time to go to the hairdressers anymore. Sigh.

So I'm just gonna leave my hair as it is for the moment. Maybe I'll decide to treat myself to a haircut in Melb, of course once I'm positively sure I want to cut my hair.

Sigh, and I was actually starting to warm up to the idea of going back to Melb with a new do.

(And hopefully, that'll help you fall in love with me all over again)

You Can't Break A Broken Heart.

2009-02-16T03:57:00.000+11:00

I know what I want, it's you.

And the idea of giving you up, it's heart-breaking.

If, If, If.

2009-02-15T18:13:00.001+11:00

I never knew it would be this hard.
Sigh.

Wouldn't it be easier if.
If.

Monday Rain.

2009-02-14T18:04:00.003+11:00

I can't help but wonder if you're out, with someone else today.

You have no idea how much the thought of it simply kills me.

I wished, it was me you were with.

Honestly.

2009-02-14T14:15:00.012+11:00

Honestly I didn’t mean to cry so hard the heartache was pouring in like rain
I didn’t mean to show I care
Honestly I didn’t mean to laugh so loud but it just sounds so absurd to say that you want me
Say that you need me after everything you’ve done
Really truly I didn’t mean to hurt you I just thought that maybe now
We’d have better luck the second time around
Its always better the second time I hear

Find me in the evening when your ready to dance
And I will take you to places where you never thought you'd have the chance to love
Love
Love is all we have
I will run myself in circles here without you

Please believe that I tried my best to forget you but the memories keep flooding back like tears
I didn’t mean to fall in love
But sitting here waiting for this is torture
I'm so glad you're far away
Is that a terrible thing to say?
Well, I wonder if you're ok

Find me in the evening when your ready to dance
And I will take you to places where you never thought you'd have the chance to love
Love
Love is all we have
I will run myself in circles here without you
Oh, I would run myself in circles here without you

Oh I've tried and tried
And I can't hide from your love
Darlin' its too late to show me your intentions
You know we’ve got to find a way to get past all the implications, every situation
Every complication that we've come from
Love is all we have
I will run myself in circles here without you

Darlin' love, love
Love is all we have
I will run myself in circles here without you
- Honestly by Bethany Joy Lenz -

Baby, believe me when I say I'd do anything.

Baby, Please Don't Go.

2009-02-14T13:00:00.004+11:00

& i imagine that we are soaked clothes on tingling bodies, pressed together like wildflowers in a scrapbook. & raindrops taste sweet in your presence & we are barefoot, swaying in a puddle under a street lamp. the cacophony of whizzing cars, it means nothing to us.

& i imagine that we are starving artists, fingerpainting tranquil colors on canvas-skin, lucid & divine in unnatural light. etching metaphors, too, in the margins of your back. it is abstract for the common masses, incoherent to the untrained eye. surrealist love, we say.

In Too Deep.

2009-02-14T12:27:00.003+11:00

Maybe I've gone too far.
Maybe I've pushed you off the edge.
Maybe I asked for too much too soon.
Maybe the mere fact that I didn't fight harder for you has led us here.
Maybe, our time has passed.

Maybe you don't want this (me) anymore.
Maybe, you do.

There's just too many "maybe(s)" and it's killing me.

Maybe I shouldn't have said those words.
And,
Despite the fact that I've told you I will no longer do any of this,
My heart aches to have you just tell me what's going on.
And,
Despite the fact that I said I will no longer be this person,
I want, need you to come to me.

My ego's too big to admit it to you.
I tell you that I don't need it (us), but I think it is exactly what I need, and I can't seem to form the words to let you know.
I tell you that you don't have to say anything, but inside, all I want is for you to say something.

And, again, maybe you will.
Maybe you won't.